Starting Over

So when you have food addiction as a common thread in your life it's not like you can just stop eating.  Nope.  It's the one addiction that you have to conquer within the confines of addiction and change your mindset and then your behaviors.

One year into Juicing & Clean Eating with many trials and tribulations, I decided that counseling was the next reasonable step so that I could deal with any of the mental crap and work through it.  After about four sessions, I kicked things up a notch and booked a double appointment.  Figured I had gotten to a place where I trusted the counselor and could lay it all out there for her to help me schlep through all the crap.

Oh was it a humdinger.  It's amazing what can happen when you decide to "go there".  I really felt like my insides were going to burst open and although there was a lot of good work done in there as I walked out of the office my first reaction was, "I'm starving!!!".

On auto-pilot I drove to a Carls Jr. and ordered up my favorite combo.  I hadn't had one in a year and yet I didn't stumble or hesitate.  They gave me my food and forgot my ranch dressing.  So I parked, got out of my car, walked back in and asked for my dressing.  Once I was back behind the wheel I devoured that combo like it was the last burger and onion rings on the planet.  Ate so fast that the crap had barely hit my stomach before I felt nauseous.  Weird mixture of elation....the feeling I get when I am physically full and nausea from eating what equated to a chemical shit storm in a bag.

Had a good cry and felt incredibly tired.  Picked up our son from school, went home to work for a couple of hours and then found myself ravenous again.  Proceeded to down 4 tacos and a bag of candy and then went to bed.

Woke up at 2a.m. bathed in sweat as I am going through hot flashes like crazy and realized that I was in crisis.  I know where this path leads and I cannot go back.  I have to do the work that counseling will entail but I have to have my coping mechanisms in place so that I can come out on the other side of this and not be physically derailed.

So here I am.  Starting over.  Day 1 of a Reboot.  Cold turkey in terms of not having weaned myself off of C.R.A.P. but recognizing that I need to get on task pronto.  Not time to f*ckabout.